Taking responsibility for myself!

Reflecting on Matthew 27:1-10

“So Judas threw the money into the temple and left.” (Matthew 27:5)
As a Jesus follower, I also face moments of failure and regret.
In the moment you do what seems right or best.
In hindsight you realize it was a mistake, or unwise.
Depending on what it was, it may lead you to despair.

Some people make smaller mistakes, others make bigger ones.
Mistakes that harm others are the worse.
I can see why Judas despaired after his actions.
In the moment the 30 pieces of silver were so enticing.
But now he sees them with horror and despair.
It was NOT worth it, and the damage is priceless.

The religious leaders were partially right about one thing.
“That’s your responsibility.” (Matthew 27:4)
But only partially right, because they deny their part in it.
“What is that to us?” (Matthew 27:4)
They are also responsible for betraying innocent blood.
The ‘blood money’ they cannot put in the treasury was their money.
They are planning to execute Jesus.
And one day they may realize their mistake, and regret it.

Judas becomes a reminder to me to take responsibility for myself.
Even if others are a bad influence on me…
Even if others make bad choices that impact me as well…
I am still response-able, and responsible.
God has gifted me with a mind and a will, and His Spirit in me.
Like Judas, I have the benefit of seeing and hearing Jesus.
My daily choices are mine, and so are their consequences.

I am not comparing myself to Judas, nor my actions to his.
But I am learning from his experience, and applying it to myself.

Recently the denomination I belonged to made what I see as a bad decision.
And instead of considering the damage, they’ve doubled down.
The harm is significant, also to people and churches dear to me.
They made their decision, and I made my own decision.
Their decision had consequences, and so did mine.
I am no longer employed with them, and living out the consequences.
It does not help me to blame the denomination.
Throwing down my ordination papers in anger will not help.
Yes, they are responsible for their own choices.
But I am responsible for mine, and must accept that.

I do not claim to be innocent or fully justified.
Like the denomination, I make my own unwise decisions and mistakes.
But it won’t help me to go to blame the denomination.
I need to go to Jesus, to admit my own mistakes and failures.
I need to throw myself at Jesus’s feet for mercy.
Judas did not do that, and it led him to despair of life.

Looking backwards will not help me, except to learn some lessons.
I need to look forwards with Jesus, and let Him help me.
I need Jesus’s help to respond to current situations, to make better decisions.
Moving I am responsible for my choices, but He will help me.
I cannot resist folly or error on my own.
But with Jesus I can do better, making wiser choices.
Including running to Him when I make mistakes, for mercy and help.

Lord Jesus, I throw myself at Your feet for mercy and help. I am facing new decisions and choices that are also hard. Help me to choose paths that reflect Your love and goodness, and not my self-interest and gain, nor the false comfort of blaming others.